Friday, 3 November 2017

learning to be happy

Wool Trousers Wool Trousers Wool Trousers Wool Trousers Wool Trousers Wool Trousers Wool Trousers Wool Trousers Wool Trousers
WEEKDAY trousers*, MARKS & SPENCER jumper (old, v.similar), ALL SAINTS leather jacket, CHLOÉ bag, GLOSSIER lipstick and VANS old skool*

Photos by Hannah

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So this is a weird one. I keep reading lots of philosophical posts by other bloggers, on ways they're getting over an ex or how to conduct yourself online and ways in which to be less reliant on social media and yet I find myself sitting here, really uninspired and at a particularly shit point in my life.

As you may know/have realised, I split up with my ex of eight years in May. It was a fairly traumatic ending, after thinking I was sorted for life. My entire world was turned upside down and I was left in a really odd place. Where am I going to live? How am I going to get over this? Etc etc. I, somewhat miraculously at the time, ended up walking into another relationship really quickly and suddenly everything felt great. I realised I deserved more than I had previously, and I could be happy and enjoy being 23 without the worry of saving for a mortgage. I started going out more, ran away from Hurricane Irma in a Mustang, met loads of new pals and planned a future in what felt like something that was meant to happen. My anxiety had seemingly melted away and I was just so, so content.
It wasn't until about six months in that cracks started to form, evidence of controlling behaviour and bizarre arguments over nothing - but being happy 'most' of the time, I tried to cover the cracks and convince everyone he wasn't what he seemed to outsiders. Either way, in the end it all came crashing down and he ended it. I was absolutely heartbroken and in a really weird place - I wasn't expecting to be so sad but I think where it was everything I'd never had before, it was 'perfect' to me. In retrospect, most men can be nice 70% of the time, tell you what you want to hear and have sex with you. Don't just settle ladies. After questioning what on earth I'd done wrong for days on end, and feeling super vulnerable and alone, he tried to sleep with one of my best friends. Such a joy, ain't they? I then read this article and I've never related to anything more. I genuinely believe he is a sociopath so that's some comfort, although I dread to think about how mad he is making me out to be to the next victim.

Anyway, the moral of the story is, so many people were saying "you need some time to be single, and be happy on your own" which was endlessly frustrating. I don't want to be single, I have never been single and then it dawned on me that I had no idea what made me happy. I have never had the opportunity to be selfish, and do everything based on my needs and wants. I thrive on making other people happy and putting all my efforts into someone else. That's what makes (or made) me happy... So now what?

I'm here, trying to make this whole thing with my blog work. Trying to battle through the shitty days and keep myself busy. But boy, is it tiring trying to fill all the hours in the day. Some days feel like weeks. I've downloaded a yoga app, with intentions of doing a bit of that every day. I've tried to fill my days up with emails and coffee shops. I have been chatting to new guys on Tinder and Bumble (and yes, there are loads of complete weirdos out there). I've thrown myself into my YouTube and am trying desperately hard to improve my content and come up with new ideas for how to push myself. I suffer from extreme "you're shit-itis" and get myself so down and miserable that there's days I do absolutely nothing and then feel even worse. I've tried just getting up and going for a walk every day so keep busy - this actually really helps. I'm working on a personal development plan, and plotting where I want to be in 6 months, a year etc. I'm applying for jobs, even if they are just part time, mainly because I don't want to stop blogging and also my M.E means I don't think I could keep up my health in a full time role - but the idea of having actual colleagues and ways to organically meet new people is exciting.

I'm not fully there yet, some days are easier and some are really miserable. But I think I'm slowly figuring out how to be happy alone. It requires being selfish, something I'm not very good at, and doing little things to make you happy. Have two damn sugars in your tea, eat a spoonful of Nutella and have a bath when you've got endless amounts of work to do. Because at the end of the day, your mental health and wellbeing is what is most important. 

Anyway, that's about as deep as I get. Have a good day chickens x

lots of love xxx
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