Thursday, 22 March 2018

lessons from dating

Paris Paris Paris Paris Paris
WEEKDAY jumper, MONKI skirt, PUBLIC DESIRE boots

Photos by Hannah

I couldn't have been single for what feels like an eternity and NOT keep writing posts on my dating experiences, could I?

As you'll probably know if you're a regular Ron around here, I don't have a boyfriend. I haven't since October, so I've been dating on the usual suspects (Tinder and Bumble, FYI) and whilst I have had various vague successes (I'm talking a good night out with some fun chat) for the most part, all it's taught me is how shit men are. Sorry.
I really hate the thought of being one of those screaming feminists who wear "men suck" t-shirts, but well... they kinda do. So way back when, I really thought I'd found an exception to the rule. He bought me flowers all the time, was cuddly and chose to stay in with me over a night out with the l-a-d-s. Then he cheated on me countless times over a four year period and didn't even have the courage to tell me to my face. Eight years later, I'm single for the first time since I was 15. Then the next boyfriend - again, literally sold from day one. Gentleman, manly, not a coward - told the truth if I asked for it etc etc. Then broke my heart.
So, it's not an overall success so far. I really felt like I needed a boyfriend to validate my existence for a long time. I'd never not had one, never spent a birthday alone, never woken up on my own on Christmas morning, never not celebrated Valentine's day etc. So naturally I got dating - against all friends' advice on 'enjoy being single!!!!!1!1!' (kindly sod off). The first few dates were weird. I'd never dated before and meeting a total stranger was mental to me. Should I not get drunk? Not talk about memes and make poop jokes? Pretend I don't watch Family Guy every single night? 
After a few unsuccessful attempts and far too many weird stories to tell, I met someone really cool, saw them a butt load of times and did my usual "I have no idea how to date so I'm going to treat you like a boyfriend but without the love and squish" which entails me bending over backwards in order to make someone happy (happily on my part, may I add) - but 'blood from a stone' is a very good description in how it was getting anything (literally anything) back from him. Four months pass and by now you'd probably be joining my friends and my Mum with the "GIVE UP ON HIM" chant, but you know, I'm me and I like making other people happy, so I don't. Anyway, even I have some vague dignity and eventually stop bothering, and as if by magic, that dies a death.
Suddenly something seems to have snapped in me and I'm just loving being an absolute ass and owing no-one anything. I'm talking to four or five different guys, still on Tinder/Bumble when I feel like it and that's absolutely ok. I love feeling like a bit of a player, it's absolutely empowering. It's weirdly amazing not needing another human to be happy, or successful or alive. 
I'm entirely self sufficient, see friends all the time and do face masks and drink rosé when I'm sad. I simply like being with someone, and will hopefully eventually meet someone who makes me want to settle down again, and that's ok too. I have adopted a great new method, which I think a lot of men should too, in that if someone comes along, you click and they make you feel your worth then go for it and see what happens. If no one comes along or it doesn't happen - don't force it. I don't really believe in actively trying to stay single nor do I think looking for a boyfriend is healthy. I've met an overwhelming amount of men who 'aren't looking to settle down' well good for you dickhead - why not just go into everything with an open mind and give life a sodding go. It might just be the best thing that ever happened to you.

So, anyway, the lessons I've learned so far:
  • You must always be your main priority. If they make you sad more than they make you happy, fuck them.
  • (Potentially the biggest one) IF THEY WANT TO SEE YOU OR SPEAK TO YOU, THEY WILL. Men aren't thick. If they like you, they'll make an effort. If you're doing all the chasing then they're probably just stringing you along/have issues, even if they swear they're not.
  • You can't force someone to want you. If they're against commitment, no amount of kindness or good deeds is ever going to change that. They're a fuckboy and you're probably better off without.
  • My moral code is "do no harm, but take no shit". I will do everything and anything for someone I value, and I always give far too many chances, but know when enough is enough and walk away with your dignity in tact. Something we can all learn from.
  • If he doesn't text you back, find someone who will. I don't believe there's one person out there for everyone. There's too many people in the world for just one to be right for you. If you think you've found a good guy, but he doesn't bother with you and isn't bothered by you - then find someone who will. There'll be plenty of men who carry their characteristics and better. Don't ever settle.
  • Always be yourself from the get-go. I am lame, I awkward laugh at everything, I am pretty much the nicest and the meanest person ever, I quote Ali G often and I can find a meme for every occasion. I've learnt to show that from day one. If it's not what someone wants, then fine. Bye Felicia.
  • It's absolutely ok to go on a date with the sole intention of gettin' some. I know it's not traditionally ok, but it's 2018 Grandpa. We eat ass now. (That's a meme by the way, not a personal note) But seriously, women are allowed to enjoy and want sex, and no man can tell you otherwise or judge you for it.
  • Finally, men ain't shit. You'll be everything to someone, hold out for it.

P.S. I feel it would be totally irresponsible to not say ~stay safe~ both sexually, on dates and everything in between xox

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