Monday, 16 July 2018

Moving past a break up

All White All White All White All White All White All White All White All White
AND OTHER STORIES jeans*, ZARA tee, CONVERSE trainers, GUCCI bag, QUAY sunglasses

Photos by Hannah 

Another post no-one asked for, but here I am. Every time I write these kind of posts I always get flooded with messages from girls in the same boat, out of a long term relationship or newly single and trying to navigate dating and it makes me so happy that some of you can relate. The main thing I get asked/told is that I made the 'getting over' process look simple and "how on earth do I move on when it feels like life is ending?" - so I thought I'd write about it. In fairness too, I went through two break ups last year and I think the latter was harder, despite being for a far shorter time so it's all dependent on the situation.

A lil disclaimer that I am actually happily with someone new now, so while this doesn't currently apply - it did at one time in my life. 

Let's do this in a bullet point format, they're nice to layout.

    1. Keep busy. Like yes, obvious. Most of these are. Everyone tells you to keep yourself busy when you're newly single but it really is the most important factor in trying to claw back some happiness. I was finishing my degree when everything went pear shaped, so I didn't have the opportunity to slow down and spend days wallowing. Of course you're allowed to be sad, and have the odd day where you want to lie in bed and eat pizza but try and limit them.
    2. Start dating. A controversial one at best, but I have always found online dating to be the key to a) keeping myself occupied at random times friends were busy and also b) stopping you thinking about your ex. It doesn't necessarily mean you need to jump into bed with people, nor even go on dates - but there is a weird void that friends can't fill when you're newly single and simply put, sometimes you need someone to make you feel good about yourself and a lil bit confident. Sometimes aimlessly scrolling alone can be therapeutic enough, but I really found getting out and meeting new people helped me to feel better about myself and the situation I was in.
    3. Self care. Another obvious one, but again sometimes one we overlook. Take time to use a face mask while you're getting ready for bed, and keep your toenails polished. Seems so lacklustre but I even found putting fake tan on made me feel better about myself. I'd completely forgotten the point in doing these things if it wasn't for someone else, and it was mildly refreshing doing them for no one but me. Cute pants everyday, and what?
    4. Know you're better. A difficult one, because every break up is circumstantial, and no one might be in the wrong etc etc. But with mine, I wasn't in the wrong. I'd done everything I could to be a good girlfriend and still been treated badly. With that, I needed to walk away with my head held high knowing I'd been the better person, and eventually things go full circle, with everything happening for a reason. A year and a bit later, I met someone else who is everything I was looking for when I least expected it - living proof in that phrase lads.
    5. Focus on the whole. I've had people message me like "oh I've had the same happen to me, but you're only 23 (24 now) and I'm 30, you'll be fine - you're still young" and I think this is because people only look at the immediate. Yeah, it's pants to be 30 and newly single when all your friends are settling down and getting married but the real harsh reality is, would you want to be with someone who didn't love you? Or who cheated on you? Or didn't treat you right... just so you weren't single? After eight years it literally felt like I was back at the bottom when I became single, but the reality is, it's probably the best thing that ever happened to me and just know it might be for you too.
    6. Live now. The last one, but with having ME and also being a notorious 'no' gal, I felt like I let so many things slide and pass me by when I was with someone. I had to learn to say yes to things I wasn't sure I'd have the energy for, and go out when I really didn't fancy it. It lead to so many new memories, a tonne of new friends and just a hell of a lot of fun. I'd randomly end up out for drinks on a Tuesday night with half an hours notice - not getting home until 2am and it was bloody revitalising. You need to just stop worrying about the future and the what-if's and sometimes just forget it all. I was constantly plagued with 'how will I ever buy a house now?' and 'what if I don't ever meet anyone else?' and the reality is, you can't worry about it as there's nothing you can do to control it.
Anyway, I hope that was vaguely entertaining if you're going through a hard time. I really can relate, and I can also vouch that it will always get better. Promise!

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