Posts tagged dating
thoughts on online dating
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Ah, online dating. Is there any other way to meet people now? 

My story with online dating began I became single (obvs) and to be honest, I'm pretty sure the first thing I did after wiping my tears was download Tinder. Now, before you judge me - I work for myself, I don't meet people in the office. I have the same group of friends and frankly, I'm the instigator in doing things for the most part. I also have ME, so often miss out on going out etc. I really didn't think there was any way I'd meet someone new otherwise.

The first couple of months were weird, I didn't know what I wanted or what I was looking for and I never knew just how damn picky I was. I'm the first person to point out every flaw possible within myself, yet I didn't think I saw others like that. Here I was swiping past people for simply having 'weird eyebrows' or an ugly outfit on. Legit. Anyway, I did match with a few and that was fun, you can read more about dating

here

here

 and

here

I have friends who are so vehemently against using apps to date. Whether it be down to snobbery or simply not feeling safe talking to a stranger, it's their call. I on the other hand, actively encourage them but there are a few things I do find concerning.

1. I think we're becoming too judgemental. As I mentioned earlier, we're now examining people down to their choice in friends and shirts. We seem to have potentially lost that spark. We don't all end up with people we find fit our 'type' and yet Tinder/Bumble don't allow for that as if you're not instantly attracted to them you simply won't match with them.

2. It

can

be unsafe. I got very lucky in that all the men I met whilst dating were pretty normal and any that set off the slightest alarm didn't make it past the 'unmatch' button. There are some horror stories out there, but nonetheless I believe that not everyone is awful and as long as you keep your wits about you, make sure someone knows where you are (drop a live pin on WhatsApp!) and if anything flags then leave or stop speaking to someone then you can remain safe. Don't ever meet someone without doing some background research. It doesn't make you weird, it makes you wise!

On the brightest note, I met Kim on Bumble and he's a literal light of actual joy. We've discussed how our paths would never have crossed otherwise, so it just proves there are good humans on there. Just do it wisely eh!

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Moving past a break up
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Another post no-one asked for, but here I am. Every time I write these kind of posts I always get flooded with messages from girls in the same boat, out of a long term relationship or newly single and trying to navigate dating and it makes me so happy that some of you can relate. The main thing I get asked/told is that I made the 'getting over' process look simple and "how on earth do I move on when it feels like life is ending?" - so I thought I'd write about it. In fairness too, I went through two break ups last year and I think the latter was harder, despite being for a far shorter time so it's all dependent on the situation.

A lil disclaimer that I am actually happily with someone new now, so while this doesn't currently apply - it did at one time in my life. 


Let's do this in a bullet point format, they're nice to layout.

    1. Keep busy. Like yes, obvious. Most of these are. Everyone tells you to keep yourself busy when you're newly single but it really is the most important factor in trying to claw back some happiness. I was finishing my degree when everything went pear shaped, so I didn't have the opportunity to slow down and spend days wallowing. Of course you're allowed to be sad, and have the odd day where you want to lie in bed and eat pizza but try and limit them.
    2. Start dating. A controversial one at best, but I have always found online dating to be the key to a) keeping myself occupied at random times friends were busy and also b) stopping you thinking about your ex. It doesn't necessarily mean you need to jump into bed with people, nor even go on dates - but there is a weird void that friends can't fill when you're newly single and simply put, sometimes you need someone to make you feel good about yourself and a lil bit confident. Sometimes aimlessly scrolling alone can be therapeutic enough, but I really found getting out and meeting new people helped me to feel better about myself and the situation I was in.
    3. Self care. Another obvious one, but again sometimes one we overlook. Take time to use a face mask while you're getting ready for bed, and keep your toenails polished. Seems so lacklustre but I even found putting fake tan on made me feel better about myself. I'd completely forgotten the point in doing these things if it wasn't for someone else, and it was mildly refreshing doing them for no one but me. Cute pants everyday, and what?
    4. Know you're better. A difficult one, because every break up is circumstantial, and no one might be in the wrong etc etc. But with mine, I wasn't in the wrong. I'd done everything I could to be a good girlfriend and still been treated badly. With that, I needed to walk away with my head held high knowing I'd been the better person, and eventually things go full circle, with everything happening for a reason. A year and a bit later, I met someone else who is everything I was looking for when I least expected it - living proof in that phrase lads.
    5. Focus on the whole. I've had people message me like "oh I've had the same happen to me, but you're only 23 (24 now) and I'm 30, you'll be fine - you're still young" and I think this is because people only look at the immediate. Yeah, it's pants to be 30 and newly single when all your friends are settling down and getting married but the real harsh reality is, would you want to be with someone who didn't love you? Or who cheated on you? Or didn't treat you right... just so you weren't single? After eight years it literally felt like I was back at the bottom when I became single, but the reality is, it's probably the best thing that ever happened to me and just know it might be for you too.
    6. Live now. The last one, but with having ME and also being a notorious 'no' gal, I felt like I let so many things slide and pass me by when I was with someone. I had to learn to say yes to things I wasn't sure I'd have the energy for, and go out when I really didn't fancy it. It lead to so many new memories, a tonne of new friends and just a hell of a lot of fun. I'd randomly end up out for drinks on a Tuesday night with half an hours notice - not getting home until 2am and it was bloody revitalising. You need to just stop worrying about the future and the what-if's and sometimes just forget it all. I was constantly plagued with 'how will I ever buy a house now?' and 'what if I don't ever meet anyone else?' and the reality is, you can't worry about it as there's nothing you can do to control it.
Anyway, I hope that was vaguely entertaining if you're going through a hard time. I really can relate, and I can also vouch that it will always get better. Promise!

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lessons from dating
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I couldn't have been single for what feels like an eternity and NOT keep writing posts on my dating experiences, could I?

As you'll probably know if you're a regular Ron around here, I don't have a boyfriend. I haven't since October, so I've been dating on the usual suspects (Tinder and Bumble, FYI) and whilst I have had various vague successes (I'm talking a good night out with some fun chat) for the most part, all it's taught me is how shit men are. Sorry.
I really hate the thought of being one of those screaming feminists who wear "men suck" t-shirts, but well... they kinda do. So way back when, I really thought I'd found an exception to the rule. He bought me flowers all the time, was cuddly and chose to stay in with me over a night out with the l-a-d-s. Then he cheated on me countless times over a four year period and didn't even have the courage to tell me to my face. Eight years later, I'm single for the first time since I was 15. Then the next boyfriend - again, literally sold from day one. Gentleman, manly, not a coward - told the truth if I asked for it etc etc. Then broke my heart.
So, it's not an overall success so far. I really felt like I needed a boyfriend to validate my existence for a long time. I'd never not had one, never spent a birthday alone, never woken up on my own on Christmas morning, never not celebrated Valentine's day etc. So naturally I got dating - against all friends' advice on 'enjoy being single!!!!!1!1!' (kindly sod off). The first few dates were weird. I'd never dated before and meeting a total stranger was mental to me. Should I not get drunk? Not talk about memes and make poop jokes? Pretend I don't watch Family Guy every single night? 
After a few unsuccessful attempts and far too many weird stories to tell, I met someone really cool, saw them a butt load of times and did my usual "I have no idea how to date so I'm going to treat you like a boyfriend but without the love and squish" which entails me bending over backwards in order to make someone happy (happily on my part, may I add) - but 'blood from a stone' is a very good description in how it was getting anything (literally anything) back from him. Four months pass and by now you'd probably be joining my friends and my Mum with the "GIVE UP ON HIM" chant, but you know, I'm me and I like making other people happy, so I don't. Anyway, even I have some vague dignity and eventually stop bothering, and as if by magic, that dies a death.
Suddenly something seems to have snapped in me and I'm just loving being an absolute ass and owing no-one anything. I'm talking to four or five different guys, still on Tinder/Bumble when I feel like it and that's absolutely ok. I love feeling like a bit of a player, it's absolutely empowering. It's weirdly amazing not needing another human to be happy, or successful or alive. 
I'm entirely self sufficient, see friends all the time and do face masks and drink rosé when I'm sad. I simply like being with someone, and will hopefully eventually meet someone who makes me want to settle down again, and that's ok too. I have adopted a great new method, which I think a lot of men should too, in that if someone comes along, you click and they make you feel your worth then go for it and see what happens. If no one comes along or it doesn't happen - don't force it. I don't really believe in actively trying to stay single nor do I think looking for a boyfriend is healthy. I've met an overwhelming amount of men who 'aren't looking to settle down' well good for you dickhead - why not just go into everything with an open mind and give life a sodding go. It might just be the best thing that ever happened to you.


So, anyway, the lessons I've learned so far:
  • You must always be your main priority. If they make you sad more than they make you happy, fuck them.
  • (Potentially the biggest one) IF THEY WANT TO SEE YOU OR SPEAK TO YOU, THEY WILL. Men aren't thick. If they like you, they'll make an effort. If you're doing all the chasing then they're probably just stringing you along/have issues, even if they swear they're not.
  • You can't force someone to want you. If they're against commitment, no amount of kindness or good deeds is ever going to change that. They're a fuckboy and you're probably better off without.
  • My moral code is "do no harm, but take no shit". I will do everything and anything for someone I value, and I always give far too many chances, but know when enough is enough and walk away with your dignity in tact. Something we can all learn from.
  • If he doesn't text you back, find someone who will. I don't believe there's one person out there for everyone. There's too many people in the world for just one to be right for you. If you think you've found a good guy, but he doesn't bother with you and isn't bothered by you - then find someone who will. There'll be plenty of men who carry their characteristics and better. Don't ever settle.
  • Always be yourself from the get-go. I am lame, I awkward laugh at everything, I am pretty much the nicest and the meanest person ever, I quote Ali G often and I can find a meme for every occasion. I've learnt to show that from day one. If it's not what someone wants, then fine. Bye Felicia.
  • It's absolutely ok to go on a date with the sole intention of gettin' some. I know it's not traditionally ok, but it's 2018 Grandpa. We eat ass now. (That's a meme by the way, not a personal note) But seriously, women are allowed to enjoy and want sex, and no man can tell you otherwise or judge you for it.
  • Finally, men ain't shit. You'll be everything to someone, hold out for it.

P.S. I feel it would be totally irresponsible to not say ~stay safe~ both sexually, on dates and everything in between xox

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on having your shit together
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So, we all know I'm revelling in dating at the moment. And whilst my attitude of "I like being with someone" has now changed, and I'm thoroughly enjoying being single and meeting new people (read: getting far too drunk with new people) and dating as opposed to having a boyfriend, I've been finding some bizarre things whilst doing to. So, I thought I'd talk about it here, naturally.

I'm 24. I've lived 'alone' since I was 19, I can cook, I am clean, I do my own washing, I own two pets and manage to keep them alive. I have my glasses organised into category in the cupboard. This one was kindly pointed out by a guy I was seeing. I don't think much of any of this, to me this is normal adult life. I have something I can vaguely call a career, I have my degrees and I can drive. Again, all normal things really. 

I tend to date men in the 25-28 category, purely out of luck so far but also because I don't think I'd have much in common with anyone younger than me, or much older than 30 or so. Getting back to the point, I've recently been told I have my shit too together, by a nearly 29 year old man. A man who couldn't believe that I'd group my wine glasses in the cupboard and not just throw them in. A man who was also shocked that I changed my bedding bi-weekly. A man who doesn't have a living room, and instead uses it for a pool table.

I've been thinking about it a lot really, and I keep coming back to the fact that I am so tough on myself in general, giving myself stick for not having a 'proper' job, or a mortgage fund, or a bloody boyfriend - yet a man 5 years older than me thinks I have it too together? So maybe, just maybe, I do have my life together and it's all a case of 'someone elses end is your beginning' etc etc.

I don't really know why I'm writing this, it's just a weird bit of word vomit but it's been circling in my head for a while now. I think the moral of the story is that wherever you're at, it's probably right for you. There are probably a million other people wishing that they had what you had, or were where you are - even if you don't think you've achieved anything to note. I had my shit even more together when I was with my ex, and comparatively this isn't me having it 'together' - but yet I understand that others might not be in my position and I think I have to give myself some slack for picking it up and carrying on, despite life's usual ups and downs. Basically, just don't listen to any man because men ain't shit and you are worth a billion of them. Ok bye xoxo

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